I started a 7 business day partial hospital program today. Partial hospital program sounds scary, but really it’s group therapy sessions. Or so it was today.

I will be honest. I am not a fan of group sessions of any kind. However, since I got into this program and I know it is ultimately for the best for me with regards to treatment, I am keeping an open mind.

Normally the program runs 9am to 3pm with an hour lunch break. Today it was 11-3, but I was there at 10am for assessment. I had no idea what to expect. I think that this was an advantage for me walking into something I didn’t know because I saw it as an adventure. It helped me to keep an open mind not knowing what to expect because I could not pre-judge something. I was also pretty upbeat and happy because this is the first step towards getting the help I need to move forward.

There were 9 of us in the group. Some battled with sever anxiety, some other bi-polar, everyone seems to battle with depression. Most seemed to also have battled with alcohol and/or drug use. I felt that overall I am in a much better place than most there, which also made me feel kinda bad.

I felt that way because this is not my first time dealing with my mental health. I have tools already in place to asses myself and live a functioning life. It seemed that for everyone else in there, that this is their first time learning how to deal with their illness and how to survive and function on a day to day aspect.

Even though I feel like I am in an overall better place, I know that I am not better than any of them. I found it interesting to hear others talk. I could related to most of them even if it was not something I am currently going through. Some of them mentioned things that I have had control of for years thanks to good therapy and meds. But for some it was just last week I was battling the same depression and thoughts they are currently experiencing. There were some people I couldn’t relate certain things to, but I did find it really interesting to hear others talk about their struggles. I find it refreshing to hear others be open and honest. To be real.

For me, the group aspect helped me today to keep a much more open mind since everyone is at a different place in this journey. I like listening and learning about how other people with mental illness struggle and move forward. I somewhat felt bad though that I was super happy and cheerful when most of them were not in good places.

I consider myself lucky that I have never had a problem with drinking or drugs while being depressed or manic. Spending money and retail therapy was the impulsive behavior of choice.  I feel lucky that I had a great therapist early on in Pittsburgh who helped me to understand bi-polar II and how live with in on a daily basis via mindfulness. I am lucky that I had an ex-husband who worked in the EMS field and who shared with me the findings of people who killed themselves. Seeing how that had an effect on him painted a picture in my head that stuck with me of not wanting to give anyone PTSD and for them to have to live with that if they found my body. 

I consider myself very lucky and blessed to have successfully lasted a full 13 months working a full time job again. A lot of this is due to having amazing co-workers who are wonderful women. I know that if I worked with people who caused me a lot of stress I would not have made it. Overall I do not mind going to work each day. Yes, there are crazy days, yes there are days I just don’t want to be there; but overall I like it. Which is HUGE.

But just because I am “lucky” and in a different place further up the road than they are doesn’t mean that I also don’t need help. It’s crazy that I feel bad for being in a good place and seeing the positive in things. However, I know that while right now-this moment- and on the majority of my days I have a positive outlook and am happy, I know that this can change at any moment and my depression can come back in full swing. After all last Wednesday I had two really good days in a row, including most of Wednesday and then BOOM I just crashed hard and wanted my life to end. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so empty and helpless. I bawled my eyes out on a friend’s shoulders who fortunately answered his door when I knocked even though it was after 10:00pm. I sunk in his entrance way and sat on the floor against the wall. I didn’t want to get up. I felt so hopeless and mentally exhausted.

We had two group discussions. One was on an article about how it is okay to take risks with regards to happiness. The second was my favorite because it was an art therapy session. I love to color! It’s no secrete. I love to make envelops for cards decorative, decorating care packages, using paint markers at work for signs, etc. So when I read the instructions and had a good idea of what the purpose of the assignment was going to be, I felt like I was a kid and in my happy place. I am in no way the best artist, but I did like having that to do.

I included my drawing assignment below in case you are interested 🙂

Overall right now I feel hopeful. Hopeful that my future will be stable again and that I am finally getting some sort of help so when that depression cycle hits again, it either won’t be as bad and/or I know that I have support already in place.