I have an interview in about 45 minutes for a new position in a new location in my company. I don’t know if I want it, but I know if I don’t inquire more and interview that I will regret not making a formal decision on the matter.

I currently work full time at a luxury apartment community 20 miles outside of Boston, MA. I have been at this property since last November, so about 13 months. I have awesome co-workers and some pretty fantastic residents, some of whom I have become friends with. While I do not have much of a life outside of work, seeing these people on a frequent basis makes me feel less alone. I also plan and organize many of our monthly resident events, which ends up being more of my social life- haha. Good or bad it is what it is.

I feel comfortable and safe there. I live with my parents, which can drive me nuts, but there is also a sense of security I feel living here. Since they do travel throughout the year, I do get the house to myself for either a few weeks or months at a time. I do not have to pay much for “rent” and having gone through the deep darkness for those few months and the program in December, I realized that I am very fortunate to be at their house.

I’m slipping into depression again since I’m now 2 weeks off of Abilify. I know from past experiences that making a major decision when I am depressed is not a good idea. There are a lot of factors that would have to play out for this new position to work.

This position is located in Pittsburgh, PA. I used to live in Pittsburgh and I know the city well. I have friends out there, so I may have more of a real social life outside of work. I am currently a leasing agent and this position would be a step up as an assistant property manager. This is also a brand new property still being built and scheduled to open in July. We call this a “lease up” property as the main goal is to fill it up with residents and get it established.

Lease ups are much different that already established properties which is why I feel like I could take a new position and do a decent job at it. I also know that my pay would be a bit better in this position then if I stayed in my current one. However, I do not know what they pay is since Pittsburgh is a much different market than Boston. (Obviously I will find out soon.)

This new community seems amazing and it would be really exciting to be a part of it grow. I’m just not sure if I am ready to move past where I am now, out of my comfort zone and feelings of security of where I am at. I’m scared to make any decision with my mental instability and I will have to find doctors out there.

My health insurance sucks. The company I work for is based in Washington D.C. The health insurance is local to D.C., MD and VA. Here in MA and out there in PA it is out of state insurance and a pain in the ass to deal with. Pittsburgh is challenging with insurance as many places do not take insurance other than UPMC or Highmark as they are the two major companies based in Pittsburgh. It’s not like I have been having much in the way of “wins” here in MA getting doctors.

Like most changes in life there are pros and cons. There are fears related to uncertainty. My mental care is ultimately going to be my deciding factor in any decision making. This upcoming interview will provide me with some more answers to make a decision. I guess I’m just feeling anxiety and frustration. Anxiety in making a decision and frustration that I’m feeling depressed again.

The depression isn’t as bad as last time, but it is there. I hate it. I hate how it cripples me. I’m uncertain if I can even handle the position I am currently in. I just feel uncertain about so much and am having a hard time focusing. Blogging all of this stuff out helps. Even if no one reads it, it does feel therapeutic to be typing away on a keyboard and getting my thoughts out.

26 more minutes until the interview starts. It is a phone/skype type call. I better start getting ready to look a little more presentable. I hate putting makeup on and doing my hair on days off. lol Deep breath. I have this.