I recently retuned to another PHP (partial hospitalization program). I’m not a fan of calling it “partial hospitalization” because I’m not in a hospital. The program is located in a nice facility. I attend the program Monday-Friday from 9:30am-2:30pm.

This is the 3rd PHP program that I have attended over the past 5 years. When I came to the conclusion that going to one would be beneficial to me and my current mental health state, I felt somewhat discouraged that I needed this type of assistance and care again. However, I also knew that I needed something more than I was doing (which was pretty much weekly therapy and monthly medication management sessions).

I also had nothing left to give to others or to my job. I didn’t like the idea of going on short term disability as well as the uncertainty of how long exactly I would be in the program before returning to work. The PHP session is an average of 16 business days, so just over 3 weeks depending on the individual. From there, they then offer a “step-down” program of IOP (intensive out patient) which is Monday – Friday and only goes until 12:30pm. I didn’t fully know what I would need and decided to try to trust that it would all be revealed in time as I start to go through things.

I’ve currently completed 14 days and my primary therapist there thinks I would benefit for another 10 days or possibly less of the full PHP. I have been approved for short term disability through the 1st week of October, so I know that I can take the time. And, even though I know that I will benefit from the time, it’s also frustrating that it’s taking longer to go through than the other two programs which were each about 2 weeks long.

The positives are that I am learning and relearning skills to help with my depression and anxieties. I’m becoming more self-aware of where my mental struggles and blocks are. It’s also nice to be around other people on a regular basis who are struggling with mental illness to some degree and are there to want to get help (whatever that looks like for them) and are also being vulnerable in a small therapy group setting.

The difficultness is being honest with myself with where I am at mentally at times. It’s great to learn/re-learn skills to help, but in practice can be harder, especially since it comes to reframing thoughts. It can be mentally draining.

Also, medication. I am still on a bi-polar med (Lamictal) and an anti-depressant (Abilify). Right before I started the program Prozac got added into the mix. I did not like the feeling as my body adjusted to the medication. For me, it made me feel foggy and super tired. Since being in the program and working with a psychiatric nurse practitioner there, I’ve switched to taking it at night time and then the dosage increased due to the depression, at first, not going away. The increase of dosage helped with the depression (but so could other factors such as not being at work and being in the program), but the exhaustion and barely able to function because of that was a struggle.

So now I’m being weened off of the Prozac and a stimulant, Vyvanse, has been added to the mix. While it’s a drug more for ADHD, my prescriber thinks it will help with my tiredness, which was also an issue before starting the Prozac, but not as bad, as well as focus. Since Vyvanse is a stimulant, I have also been weening myself off of coffee this weekend. Needless to say, my body has been going through a lot. I’ve decided to ride the wave of whatever it’s feeling knowing, well hoping really, that it will feel better soon.

The difficult part of my mental illness is accepting that it’s always going to be a part of who I am. Not what I am, but part of my overall health. It’s also frustrating that it’s been about 5 years since I’ve had a med adjustment and now I’m going through it again. With hormones changing as I get older, I’m sure I may have to do another med adjustment again.

I guess it’s all apart of my journey.