Today was my third day in the Partial Hospitalization program and the local hospital. However, it has been four days since I was last there due to the weekend and then Christmas holiday.

I found myself happy to be back. This weekend was a lot of heightened emotion. Positive with the baby coming early, having to work Saturday and Sunday, last minute flights to and from D.C., and having a very last minute different Christmas. Nothing was bad, but I did notice myself going from really hyper emotional processing in my brain to it then moving slower. For those without a bi-polar brain, it is like when you speed up a VHS and then play it back in a slight slow motion.

Overall my few days off were nice, but I was happy to see my group members again. I like the accountability and family feel that I get from my group. Some of the members are the same each day, some are new. It is nice to be around other people who understand your struggles.

For me, it’s not just that they understand, but that there is also an honesty to ourselves when we talk to each other knowing that we can all relate to some degree because we have been (or are still) there. Doing laundry is too much of a struggle? I understand. Feeling like you need to nap to feel secure or deal with life? I understand. Not having good financial skills and are in debt or hide from mail? I understand. Feeling like you to do not know how to manage your time properly on a daily basis, I understand.

It feels good to be understood. It feels even better to be understood and to no longer feel like an outcast or failure. Sure, maybe there are areas in my life that I am “failing” at, but I’m not looked down upon by others in the group setting. I am seen as an equal and understood.

I have started to recognize over the past two months that one thing which is very important to me is to be understood. It is important for me that people understand who I am and why I act certain ways I do, instead of categorizing me and misjudging or labeling me as a certain way.

One of the things we talked about today was boundaries. I realized through the article we read and within our discussion is that I have a hard time focusing on myself and my own needs because I am too busy giving my all to others. Now, this is not always a bad thing. I get joy in helping others and making others feel loved. There is nothing wrong with going above and beyond. What my struggle is that at times my above and beyond with loving and caring for someone is more than I can give of myself at the time. That sometimes it is based in more of a desire to be loved back from that person in return. That if I show someone how much I love them, then maybe, just maybe when I am in a time of need then they will show me the love I need. Or any love at all.

And that backfires a lot. Or so it seems to. This past time I crashed and experienced deep depression in particular for sure.

I am someone who loves sending mail, decorating gift boxes, celebrating friends birthday’s, taking care of friends who are in need. I will buy you groceries or other things you may be in need of, get you something small that I see that I think will brighten your day, drop everything I am doing, or rearrange my schedule as much as I can to be there in your time of need. I will call you and spend hours on the phone. Visit you even if you live in a different state. I will hold you close if you need a hug or be a shoulder you can cry on.

Again, there is nothing wrong with me showing this love for my friends or family. I am a very passionate person who loves with all of her heart. For too long I have seen this as a weakness as it makes it easier for me to get crushed. However, I am starting to see that it is a strength that I have of the type of friend I am to people.

What I have to work on is not giving more of myself than I can emotionally give when I am emotionally spent. I am much better than I used to be at this, but I can still let others walk over me because there is a part of me that is still a people pleaser. The people pleaser part stems from a strong desire to be loved and not thinking that I am considered lovable until I have made you happy.

I will love you in ways that I want to be loved in return. I will give you my all hoping that when I am in need you will give me your all back. Unfortunately it does not usually work that way. I was heading and entered into a dark area a few months back that kept getting darker. Hope was being lost. I needed love. I needed to feel loved. I needed support. I needed to know that I was special enough to you and the my life is important enough to you for you to want me to stay in it. I needed to know that I have value and worth to you. That you would stand by my side as I walked through hell and just listen. Even if you don’t understand, just listen. Hold me. Let me cry. Check in with me. Remind me that you love me.

That last paragraph was not addressed to any one person. It was what I was feeling towards any of the friends I reached out to. People I was clinging to, even though I am sure most didn’t realize I was clinging on to their friendship. To most people I reached out to I do not think that they even realized the severity of what I was going through. I wanted them too, but I did not know and was not able to articulate that properly.

Also, it is scary AF to share the darkness of my mental illness with people. Even with people who are my friends. Even if I do know that someone loves me as a friend or family member. My instant fear is that I will be rejected. That I will be told that I am unlovable. That I am not worth fighting for.

And I have felt that way. People’s actions do speak louder than their words at times. If you never text me back, respond to my email or phone calls, I assume that I am not worth your time. Hence I am not really loved or respected by you as a person. I’m not talking about you are busy with your day at work, etc. I mean not responding back to me for days or even at all.

If you block me on social media or my phone number without telling me why, that is a harsh sign of rejection. I’m not talking about blocking someone you broke up with, but a friend who for some reason no longer wants you in their life without explaining why.

And maybe you are super busy with work, with school, with the kids, with activities, traveling, etc. I understand that. I have been there and get there often. But I still need to know that if I am in real need that I am worth you pausing your schedule for.

Circling back up to going back to group today, it is nice to have others who understand rejection and who understand what it is liked to be misunderstood. Group therapy is a really good way as well to help you articulate what you are feeling and/or hear it phrased better from other people who understand as well.

Looking forward to day #4 tomorrow.