I reached out to a friend from college that I haven’t spoken to in years on Facebook. I’m genuinely interested to see what he is up to and how he is doing. And then I remembered that I will have to answer that question too.

What have I been up to? I want to say that I have been up to fighting the battle of bi-polar and depression that has gotten worse over the past two years. That I take a lot of naps and not enough showers. That I have lost a lot of ambition for things I used to find joy in. That I want more from life, but don’t feel like I deserve anything better. That I think that I will probably fail, like it always seems, if I try. I think about death a lot and don’t really have a desire to live past my birthday at the end of the month.

I want to say that I have failed at life. I have failed at romantic relationships and while I want a special someone in my life, I think that I am too much of a burden because I have a mental illness. I have had a string of bad luck with jobs and I don’t know if I can handle another full time one. I have failed at finances and am barely staying afloat even though I am trying and doing the best I can at this moment. While my brother is helping me stay focused and on top of things, the money isn’t coming in the way it needs to be.

Oh yea, and I’m moving back to MA and will be staying at my parents until financially I can get it together. I am scared about that because my parents and living there is a trigger of depression for me. My depression is a huge weight inside of me that keeps me from looking for a job. I know that I cannot handle things like I used to. I feel like I am a failure.

Twenty years ago in college I was a bubbly manic girl who had energy and dreams. Now I feel like a shell of that person with a lot of hope lost.

But I will respond that I am doing fine. That I work for Lyft and will be moving back to MA soon as if that is something I truly desire. I will make it seem that I am a functioning adult and not someone who barely has it together. After all, who wants to hear about the brokenness and lack of hope.